Bad Advice Lady has been away for a while. Do not fear, dear children, she is not sick. Well, not physically. We can’t state that she isn’t mentally deranged, given that she went out and bought not one, but two puppies, in one day. Bad Advice Lady is too old to be raising newborns again. Bad Advice Lady doesn’t sleep well at night anymore. Bad Advice Lady’s husband, Good Advice Man, had to hide all of the potential and actual weapons gracing the Advice household when Bad Advice Lady threatened to take some of her own bad advice. In addition to that stress, Bad Advice Lady went on a diet and has neither cappuccino, latte, nor biscotti for weeks. But Bad Advice Lady is making do with the new insanity in her life, and she is just aching to use her own personal angst to hand out more bad advice to the helpless saps who think she actually knows what she is talking about. Bad Advice Lady could probably use a psychological exam. Be that as it may, Bad Advice Lady has been approached about a few very important issues and, heeding to the divine calling bestowed upon her, she is ready to answer.
Dear Bad Advice Lady,
Fall is drawing near. The leaves are falling from the trees in my yard just as the tears are falling from my eyes. You see, it is back-to-school time, and as a life-long stay-at-home mother, I am finding myself beside myself with grief now that my children have returned to school. How do I allay these inevitable seasonal blues?
Stay At Home Martyr
I suppose in order to answer your question adequately, I am going to need more information. Because you didn’t give me the simple reason of “why” you are crying, I will have to draw up scenarios for your emotional reaction to school starting up again.
The first possible reason for your sadness could be because you miss your children. If that is the case, please take a few moments to pull your sh*t together. It doesn’t matter how old your children are, the umbilical cord was cut years ago. Part of the reason we have children is so that– ideally– we can raise the generation that will keep us out of nursing homes when we are too old and decrepit to make our own meals and brush our own teeth. Now, I know that this is a far-fetched scenario, but the gist is still the same: we are mean to be raising adults. I am not sure what your living situation is like right now, but I am going to assume that you actually graduated to adulthood by moving out of your parents’ house. That is good. That is as it should be. When your children leave your 24/7 care for 6-7 measly hours a day, five days a week, this is them stepping in that right direction. Them having to access to people that aren’t you is actually good for them. They learn to communicate and problem-solve and make friends. If you are sad because they get to do this stuff and it has nothing to do with you, I suggest you find a new way to spend your free time. Get a job. Learn a skill. Develop a hobby. Work on the relationship with your significant other– which clearly needs work if you are depending on your children to scratch your attention itch– or go find a significant other, if the one who gave you your children is MIA. I am sure your kids would agree.
The second possible reason for your sadness may be that you realize that the school day is only 6-7 hours long, and only takes place 5 days a week. Two words for you: boarding school. Imagine all the free time you’ll have when you pack up your child’s prized possessions and drop them on the doorstep of a large Victorian mansion that definitely was used as an asylum in a recent low-budget horror flick! This is you: reborn.
If that isn’t an option, there is always closet alcoholism. Theoretically, you can get drunk between the hours of 9:00 and 10:00 AM, take a nap from 11:00- 2:30, and be in the pick-up line with barely a hangover. Sure your life will go absolutely nowhere, and there is a good chance that you will not only get a ticket for speeding when you careen through the parking lot at the school going 45 MPH, but that your car will be impounded, your children taken in by DCFS, and your license suspended indefinitely, but this is about you enjoying your life, isn’t it?
The only rational advice to give you is this: find something to do with your spare time. You can finally Facebook stalk your frenemy from high school. You can spend hours creating the perfect farm on Farmville. You can join that new MLM, Visalus, and make a ton of money helping people lose weight. You can seduce the pool guy… and the landscaper… and the mailman… and the UPS guy. You can make plans to run for the PTA president next year (you’ve missed the boat this year, but have months of research-time so you’re ready for the 2014-2015 school year). Or you can start a blog, king of all time-wasters!
Go get ‘em, Martyr Superior!
-Bad Advice Lady
Dear Bad Advice Lady,
I was just about to open up a $30 bottle of Chablis last night, when an uninvited guest stopped by my house. I had no idea they were coming. I was ready to delve into my ‘Pretty Little Liars’ marathon and drink myself to sleep. But they ruined my plans. Not only that, they didn’t bring me wine or cookies. They didn’t bring the word of God. They brought that eerie smell that is reminiscent of formaldehyde, puppy breath, and stale cigarette smoke. And they stayed for two whole hours.
How do I let these uninvited
guestspests know that I am not a person who takes kindly to “popping in?”
Well, there is nothing more irritating than being forced to make nice when you just want to make drunk. I can imagine you were pretty upset about your night being ruined, but let me assure you: Pretty Little Liars is a lame show. You aren’t missing much. But that little nugget of wisdom doesn’t solve the bigger problem: your uninvited guests.
There are so many ways in which you can turn this type of behavior around. Let’s explore a few:
- I am Getting Ready to Leave- Let your guest know that they’ve caught you at a really bad time. If you don’t want to come off rude right off the bat, then tell them you have to go in 15 minutes and invite them to sit down. It doesn’t matter if the entire house is asleep and you are in your nightie. Who are they to judge what you go out in, anyway? You may have to take this one all the way to the bank by waking up the kids, loading them into the car, and asking your guest to move their car out of your driveway so you can leave. Just drive around the block and by the time you get home, they will be gone.
- Oh My Goodness! Tuesday is Tasty-Pasty Day Around Here- Drop hints that tonight you were planning to get lucky and that they are killing your action. This works even better if you answer the door in a towel or sheet. Only a perv would stay around for that, in which case you can immediately de-friend the creepy couple.
- What Did You Bring Me?- Nothing makes a person feel more uncomfortable than being led to believe that they were meant to bring you something and they didn’t. You can even throw in there that it is your birthday, just to layer on the tension. Drop hints throughout the conversation that you wish they had brought a six-pack or a birthday gift or a house-warming gift. Pretty soon they will be so tired of your not-so-subtle clues that they will leave. Special Bonus: They will either never come over again, or the next time they do, you will be given a gift. Score! You’re welcome!
- Do a Disappearing Act- During the early stages of conversation, politely excuse yourself by stating that you were doing something when the door-bell rang. Leave the immediate vicinity, so that you are no longer visible to the guests. Then do whatever you want to. Every few minutes, call out that you’re almost done, that you are sorry this is taking so long, or that you wish you had known they were coming over. They will eventually get the hint and go away. Maybe they will even learn a lesson and call ahead next time. Special bonus: While you are spirited away to your non-existent task, you can drink your wine. You may even be able to watch the TV if you have those nifty little TV Ears that they sell on late-night infomercials.
This is one the of the reasons that answering the door is such a perilous task. I would avoid doing it at all costs.
Best of luck,
Bad Advice Lady
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