This post has been taking form for the last two weeks, at least. I was going to hold off on it, then something happened today that offended me right into posting it. I am agog at the level of offense just given to me on WordPress. You would be, too. Trust me.
Giving a run-down of search terms seems to be a great way to invoke a little humor into every blog. So I, thoroughly creatively handicapped, jumped on the bandwagon and looked up the search terms that led people to my blog in the first 100 posts. But the reason I am writing this today is because of the search term, run twice, which brought readers to my blog today. The search term was “undercover crackwhore.” Really? Are you effing joking with me? And you found me? Jerks. See what I mean about being offended? Has anyone ever put “crackwhore” into a search engine and found you? I feel so bad about myself now. Give me a minute to pull myself together…
Okay. I am back now. Let’s continue on with the searches. Here is what you looked for and what I think of it.
You searched: Nipplegate (in various forms)
And I think: I am not the oracle of nipplegates, but I heard once that you can milk anything with nipples.
You searched: Adam Levine
And I think: See? It worked… and after seeing the music video for “One More Night” I jumped off the bandwagon, just for the record.
You Searched: Hermaphrodite.
And I think: I am not one. But there is a post on here about one. (Google it. I dare you.)
You searched: Bad parents.
And I think: You have no idea.
You searched: Soiwentundercover wordpress
And I think: Door Prize!
You searched: صور سوداء
And I think: Did I spell that right?
You searched: Cellulite
And I think: At least it doesn’t say “UndercoverL cellulite.”
You searched: Nipple gate
And I think: That’s one word. Unless we are talking about decorations for your yard.
You searched: Due to a scheduling conflict.
And I think: Dawg, you’s barking up the wrong damn tree.
You searched: Biggest nipples/ world’s biggest nipples
And I think: First of all, I don’t know whether I should or shouldn’t be offended. Second of all, by whose standards?
You searched: Nipplegate bilder
And I think: WTF is that? Does Lego make those?
You searched: I hate periods.
And I think: Welcome to the club. We are close to 7 billion strong now.
You searched: Nipplegates
And I think: How many are we looking for?
You searched: Nipple of Eve in the Garden of Eden
And I think: Pervert. Next you’ll be Googling you parents’ sex video.
You searched: UndercoverL blog
And I think: Second place goes to…
You searched: I am cheating on my husband.
And I think: This is not a meeting and I am not a therapist. You are telling the wrong person. But I would suggest you delete your browser history unless this is how you want him to find out.
You searched: Biggest nipple.
And I think: Just the one?
You searched: So I Went Undercover
And I think: You too, huh? I did it first.
You searched: Hermaphrodite children.
And I think: There is so much wrong with these two words being put together. Have you checked in with you parole officer and registered as per federal law?
You searched: Liebster award.
And I think: Not just once, but twice!
You searched: STFU, I don’t know you!
And I think: And I don’t know you either pal, so…
You searched: Bad girl tramp stamp.
And I think: Just say no. The only good tramp stamp is a non-existent tramp stamp.
You searched: Kid flipping the bird crying.
And I think: That is not my child, but I would wager he is English.
You searched: Worst nipplegate
And I think: How do you choose? My vote goes here though:
You searched: Fat boy with balls.
And I think: As opposed to a fat boy without balls?
You searched: I am ugly.
And I think: Oh. Sorry about that.
You searched: Under There Panties.
And I think: This was a super popular search term, but I am afraid to Google it for fear of what I might find. I mean, other than my own blog.
You searched: Staples Center concert pictures Aerosmith 12/3/12
And I think: Ironically, I think this was my husband’s search before he found out I had a blog. Wonder if he recognized the pictures. Oopsie-daisy.
You searched: The world was supposed to end today.
And I think: Well, don’t you look like an idiot? Do you really have to Google that in order to confirm it didn’t happen?
You searched: Paul Walker strip sex
And I think: Really? He did?! Just kidding, darling. *eyes averted*
You searched: 49% bitch don’t push it
And I think: Is that all you got?
You searched: Holiday wishes from the perfect family
And I think: Score! Finding this was it’s own reward. The best post I’ve ever done.
You searched: What does it mean when you look in your underwear and see a red dot?
And I think: 1) Stop eating crayons? 2) Welcome to the miracle of womanhood? 3) You should get a life and stop contemplating your own panties?
You searched: Ham Solo©
And I think: I am copyrighting this term.
You searched: WordPress Panties
And I think: They have those? Sexxxay.
You searched: I cheat on my husband daily with random men.
And I think: Please tell me you are joking! I feel it is safe to say you are a slut and a horrible wife. Not that I am judging you.
You searched: Do women feel like they are cursed for being women?
And I think: Yes.
You searched: I hate being a woman.
And I think: See?
You searched: I hate being a women.
And I think: I would hate it exponentially more if I were more than one. (Kinda like how you hated English class, maybe?)
You searched: I love cheating on my husband.
And I think: And you’re married because….? Maybe you ought to love your husband a little more and cheating a little less, Whorey McCheaterpants.
You searched: Cheated on my husband
And I think: Do I look like Dr. Phil or something?
You searched: My husband looks like Vin Diesel.
And I think: My husband is hotter… and he’s smarter than your husband, too.
You searched: Momcaves©
And I think: I am copyrighting this term, too.
And I think: This gives me fits. I am still wondering if I am in trouble for writing this.
You searched: I hate jlo
And I think: I’m sure you’re not alone.
You searched: I cheated on my wife with a man am I gay?
And I think: I am not sure I am qualified to answer this, but my professional opinion is no….? May I suggest you direct your question to Miss Wendy Reid?
You searched: Ur baby is so ugly that the doctors were wondering why he’s so ugly joke
And I think: You’re an idiot.
You searched: Circle jerk on a train.
And I think: Isn’t that illegal?
You searched: White elephant athletic cup gift.
And I think: If this isn’t a member of my family, I would be shocked.
So, what was your favorite?