Good Friday, dear readers! I don’t know about you, but this week seemed at least 2 days longer than it should have. Of course, my son had two days off of school so, bless his little heart, my job was twice as hard for two days this week. I just didn’t have my act together enough this week to look for WTF-ery going on around me and take note of it, so today, I am just winging it. Also, I have to shake a finger at you readers because you are partially to blame about my lack of preparation. I ask you every week to send me the WTF’s you see (and in return for your contribution to my creative processes, I will acknowledge and highlight you), but for the last two weeks, you have not told me what is making you say “WTF!?” So I am left to think two things: 1) you, like my children, are selectively deaf to me when I ask you to do something, or 2) your lives are so Martha-Stewart-perfect that nothing out of the ordinary happens in your life. So which is it? Hmmm? I am listening. Whilst you think about what you did (or didn’t do), I will carry on with my weekly commitment to trying to make you laugh with things that happened in my life this week that made me say: “WTF?!”
1) I am beginning to think that I should dedicate one WTF every week to drivers, because I have another roadway WTF this week. When we all got our driver’s licenses, we were taught that when any emergency vehicle is on the road and lights and sirens are blaring, we should move to the right side of the road (keep in mind, friends, that I am American and like everyone else in the world, save Brits and Aussies, I drive on the right/correct side of the road). There are a few caveats to this, though, and I know them because I talked to an EMT about it. What we are supposed to be doing is clearing the roadway for them to come through. On a two-lane road, pull the eff over and stop your car. On a multi-lane road, pull to the right lane, but don’t stop (because other people need to move over there too), and travel in that lane until the vehicle passes. On multi-lane roads when there is a median in the middle and the emergency vehicle is on the other side of the median, just keep driving. That’s what he told me, and it makes perfect sense, does it not? So why the eff do people stop in the freaking middle of the road when there is an ambulance coming up the other side of our divided road? You idiots are going to cause accidents. Drivers acting like morons when sirens sound… WTF?!
2) We are going to jump to another roadway WTF now. The weather where I live went from 35 degrees (Fahrenheit) to 80 degrees in one week. Then it began to rain yesterday. What is wrong with people when the weather turns bad? Do they suddenly forget how to drive? Do they think that flipping on the wipers automatically gives them super-hero powers? Why can’t people slow the eff down and use their brains for more than getting an entire mood into 144 characters? It’s stupid and it’s an epidemic. You know you agree, so say it with me: WTF?! (Watch the video. It’s about 5 minutes, and in my mind, it should be set to to music.)
3) Bad drivers stress me out because I am a good driver and they put me at risk. Stress gives me grey hairs. Grey hairs are next on my list. I celebrate my 32nd birthday in a few weeks, so I think it is safe to say that I am not old, but I am not a spring chicken anymore. For being on the youngish side of the scale, I sure have a lot more going on in my life than most my age. Well, I am just going to come right out and say it: I’d rather be naive than experienced. Life is better when you are blissfully ignorant of the bad stuff in life. What experience gave me is grey hair. And you know what sucks about grey hair? They don’t grow in; they hijack colored hair and change it. When you pull one out, the two next to it turn grey automatically. They don’t listen to gel, hairspray, curling irons, or hair dye. They are like the follicular equivalent of Ghengis Khan. WTF?!
4) While I am on the topic of mean things my body does to me, I am going to wax a little TMI here. Many of you know that I am no longer in the baby-having stage of my life… no, I am not menopausal (which I hear is one version of hell), I just have it planned that at 48 years old, my kids will be grown and gone and I will get to do all the things I can’t do with my kids around (like have intimacy with my husband, sleep in past 6:00 am, go to the bathroom uninterrupted, finish my college degree, and not have to worry about stepping on Legos as I stumble half-blind, half-asleep across the landing to fill another sippy cup in the middle of the night). Yessir, I have a plan. Having another baby would derail this plan indefinitely, and I would probably just spend the rest of my life cranking out delightfully witty and beautiful demi-demons until my red-headed sister left town for good. Another version of hell.
Well, it should come as no surprise that my strong aversion to pregnancy has me watching my bodily functions and the calendar like a maniac. In response, my body has decided it is going to give me a good old mind-f#@%ing every month. Every month my red-headed sister comes a day later than she should. And it’s compounding. This month, the month I finally resolved to admitting that the one thing I can do perfectly is creating children so perhaps that is what I should spend the next 8 years doing– dreams be damned, my red-headed sister waited an extra three days to come.
Now I hate that time of the month like everyone else in the world– and I ask you: who doesn’t suffer when it comes? But do I have to suffer in the waiting and during the whole course of it? I am with her:
To boot, my husband likes to wind me up by rubbing my tummy and asking me if I am ready to put my jugs to use again. Seriously? WTF?!
5) I will end this week by staying on topic with mean things my body does to me. I love Big Macs. I know it’s almost as bad as admitting that I go hunting just for the pelts of animals (no comment), but I just do. But I realize it is not healthy to eat half a day’s calories in one ‘two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun’ (with fries, because I slap them on there, too). So I have been denying myself that for almost two months. You’d think my waist-line is thanking me for it. Nope.
I can’t exercise because I simply don’t have enough time to do everything in the 24 hours of the day, so I thought I would limit other things in order to convince myself that I am living healthy. I stopped drinking beer (three times a day), I stopped buying cookies (because they usually don’t survive the trip home from the store), I stopped drinking so much coffee (by ‘coffee’ I mean a mug filled 2/3 of the way up with creamer and then topped off with coffee), and I resolved to stop gnawing on the block of cheese while I look through the fridge deciding what to snack on. That should be enough, right? But nooooo…. I am getting fatter. I am actually beginning to believe that it’s not Fruit of the Loom’s fault that my underwear are falling apart. (Nah. They can shoulder that blame.)
So here’s what I am going to do. I am going to eat like an absolute heathen this weekend. I am going to gross myself out every single day by eating horrible food. (Disclaimer: I don’t really eat like I claimed to above. I don’t snack and I don’t often have junk food in the house. I don’t gnaw on cheese straight off the block either. I am just getting older so my metabolism is slowing down and I don’t have the time or energy to exercise like I wish I did.) Then, on Monday morning, I am going to take stock on the emotional and physical damage, and I am going to turn this ship around. I will not give in to apathy about how I look. I will not! But for now, I am going to binge, and I am beginning right here:
It’s very sad that I have to wage war on a body that has been fairly good to me in my life. I didn’t do anything mean to you, so WTF?!
That’s all for this week folks! Enjoy your weekend!
If something happens in your life this week that makes you say “WTF?” let me know.
I am happy to fight your cause, because who doesn’t love a little mob-mentality?
I will put your WTF in next week’s column and send my 14.8 readers to your blog.
Friends that complain together, stay together.
For more WTF-ery, check out: